my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena