You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.

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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.


Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.


Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation


If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.


A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?


He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.


FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?



Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.