@TDeeRock

You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.

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@junejuly12

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

@AngryRaccoon2

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

@NotOnTheMoors

Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation

@DadandBuried

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.