“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Squirrels before girls.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I have so many questions.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?