Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

don’t we all

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

As a doctor, I can confirm

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record