You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Easy enough.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*