You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth