You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.