You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You Might Also Like
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Me :
All Day At Night
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf