You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You Might Also Like
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I think the cat got the dog high.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
That time Alicia messaged me
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
secret recipe