you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
😲 WTF? 😆
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
