you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
