you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
