You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas