You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs