You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.