You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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you can only post this today
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Me too door. Me too.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
me after i passed that state trooper
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.