You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Sunday
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.