You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time đ
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. Iâm remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still canât back out very well.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
GUY: I think Iâm done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: đ
My chameleon: đ
She didnât believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many âcheat daysâ I am allowed each month.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
girl on bumble: hey đ ur cute but I noticed you didnât include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i donât see why this is important
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: Theyâre serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Them: But, if youâre both dudes, whoâs âthe ladyâ in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber