You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]