You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.