You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Glasses
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”