You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Yes 😂
The news in a nutshell.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
who wore it better?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.