You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”