Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

<—- homeless romantic

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho