You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
your honor my client chooses dare
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Well, shit
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
