You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
not to brag, but mine was free
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.