You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.