You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.