Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

😞

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]