Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*