You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
You Might Also Like
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
It’s the weekend y’all
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.