You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more