You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I hate my earbuds.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.