You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
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Noted.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders