You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
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me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Children of the Corn Man
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube