You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
You Might Also Like
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I never know how much to tip a cow.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.