Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

thank god

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’