You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests