You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.