You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it