Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg