@girlontapas

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

@GrantTanaka

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

@TheBoydP

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

@CatsVsHumanity

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

@dadtellsjokes

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

@Browtweaten

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

@jbfan911

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of