Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”
Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”
Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.