Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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[applying for a job at the FBI]
FBI: and there will be a video interview
Me: do i just walk up to any computer with a webcam lol
FBI: you could do that, yes
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
It’s true what they say: shut up.
Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels
Me: (sliding a $50 bill in my palm over) What do you say we call it 175 and move on?
Nurse: Sir, just please step on the scale.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”