You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”


son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
me: not that this helps you
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
me: …an aquatic sea animal
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
me: please go away


The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.


Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months


Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy


[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good


to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of