You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Yes
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.