You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
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Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
How wrong was this guy?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
plums roundup
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
How to make infinite energy.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣