you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
You Might Also Like
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
How about daylight saves us for once
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal