Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

this… may be the greatest story ever told

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.