You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The cashier just checked me out.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
found my next D&D character name
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.