You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
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Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Hotels are back
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The United Steaks of America
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Phonetics
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.