Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no