You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?

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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


my whole concept of history has been shattered ever since i saw someone say “Rosa Parks died in 2005, meaning she could’ve watched Shrek”


If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic


Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded


Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!


Star Wars 1-6: you can use the Force sometimes but it’s really hard and requires years and years of training and still might not be there for you when you really need it

Star Wars 6-9: you can learn to use the Force in an afternoon

The Mandalorian: babies use the Force


Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.


dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks