you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
dude it’s called proctologist
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”