@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

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@jjhartinger

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@gavinpivott

I was in a flash mob once. We’d mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.

@TheAlexNevil

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?


Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.