you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Taliband
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.