Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I was just shushed.
I was in a flash mob once. We’d mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”
Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I bet the first woman who had twins was like ??????????
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.