you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
✌️
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I never know how much to tip a cow.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.