Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.