You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.