You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
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my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
he looks great for his age
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”