Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*