You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.