You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
This fish is cracking me up
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times