Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

fr

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.