You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
How did we not see this back then?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
#oldknees
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?