You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
nyc:
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Try and stop me.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.