Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.