“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
