In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep: *folder meows*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey