“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend