@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

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@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@longwall26

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

@LuckoftheDraw86

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@Spaziotwat

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey