Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Tell the colonel to bring it

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time