Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

I am also baked goods

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.