You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.