You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.